Sleep deprived - real talk

For this week's post, I'm not going to talk about travel. Instead of writing a post specifically related to my title "sisterhood of the traveling Moms," this post relates simply and beautifully to "sisterhood of Moms." 
I just want to let out some of my concerns and frustrations I've been feeling this past week so that way my worries are written down and out of my system. 

Writing has always been such an incredible counsel for me. In college, my writing was usually in a form of song- where I could put heart break, success, defeat, excitement all down on paper but also to a melody. I always felt so much better after writing and sining a new song. I still write songs from time to time but no where near as much. I hardly find the time to write this blog (hence the once a week posts). I do find this therapeutic and always walk away with the biggest smile on my face after putting my thoughts 'out there' and making an effort once a week, for an hour, to do something solely for myself and boy does it feel GOOD. 
This week, I need this form of counsel a bit more than other weeks  as I felt a little defeated in the parenthood department. 

I ABSOLUTELY am in love with my title 'Mom'. My kids are my entire world and I cherish EVERY SINGLE SECOND- even the trying ones. But do I sometimes feel like I'm failing? YES! Do I feel out of this world tired at the end of the day? YES! Do I loose my temper? YES! And when this happens, it truly sucks because parenthood is the 1 thing I want to do right. I want to be the best parent I can be every single day. So, when I feel like I'm letting the kiddos down, it breaks my heart a little- and to think I have a lifetime of feeling this way at times - Woah! That is a hard pill to swallow. 

My feeling defeated this week, comes from my kids sleeping patterns. With Olivia, she co slept with us for the first year of her life. I breastfed her for her entire first year and just found it easier that she sleep with us at night time. It was amazing and I felt so connected and close to her. I LOVED co-sleeping. When it came time for her to sleep in her own bed at 1 (that was the age we decided for her to transition into her bed), it was so difficult. She would be fast asleep my arms, and as soon as her body hit the bed- boom- eyes wide open and she was crying. It took about a week until I could put her down in her bed and she would't wake up, which isn't too long. However, our sweet Livi girl, has NEVER, to this day (she is 3) slept completely through the night. You know those milestone cards that say "Today I slept through the night for the first time?" Well Livi has never had her picture taken holding that card up haha. I have to admit, every time I see a picture of another child holding that card at like age 6 months, I cry a little inside hehe.  
She has always come into our room and slid herself on in to cuddle up to Mommy and Daddy. I love this and I'm ok with this because I know she won't be doing this at 16 (although I wouldn't mind if she did even then) BUT- I'M TIRED. It's been 3 years now of no solid sleep and that can take a toll. 

Ben didn't breast feed as long. He transitioned to formula very quickly because he just wasn't getting full off of my breastmilk. I did beat myself up a little on that decision (but eventually gave myself a break and reminded myself of doing what works best for us as mother and son!Side note: He is one of the happiest babies I know :) of course I am biased but still- the kid smiles a lot!)
Once he was on just formula by 3 months, he was in his crib. He LOVES his crib. Will and I decided to move his crib into his sister's room around his 6th month and they now share a bedroom. It was working out nicely but about 5 days ago, one night, nothing was working. Ben was teething so he was just so uncomfortable all night! He cried on and off constantly, which would wake up Livi and she would be crying for me. If I wasn't lying next to her, she was SCREAMING for me. Ben wouldn't settle- even when I held him. I gave him some medicine for his teething and eventually, after a VERY long and trying hour both fell back asleep. 
For that hour, I felt like I was failing these kids. I started crying "Why are my kids not sleeping through the night?? Why???" I felt so sad that I couldn't hold both kids at the same time- Mom guilt is a crazy feeling. Will was trying to help but both kids just weren't settling and Livi was honestly going ballistic for Mommy shouting "noooo I want mommy, come sleep with me mommy" all while my baby was crying because he was in pain. I feel like crying right now thinking about it. And deep breath! 

It is so funny because I went to bed that night and said to myself, tomorrow night has to be better. And it was! You guys, I don't know what happened, but the following night Ben slept through the night- 12 whole hours- didn't wake up once. Oh MY GOSH! I thought maybe it was a fluke but we are now on day 4 of him sleeping through the night. As for Livi, she still is climbing into our bed.. but we are ok with that as long as she sleeps well doing so. 
My post today is about the days that aren't picture perfect and the days that, as a Mom, feel super hard.
Today's post is also about things turning around and that 1 day may feel like nothing is going the way you played it out in your head- and it's okay to feel bummed and defeated because on those hard days, the following day can only get better. 
The hard days wouldn't make the good days that much sweeter. 

Cheers to us FREAKING strong Moms, all those sleepless nights, all the tears, all the LOVE, all the laughter, and those little humans that make MY whole world go round! 

Time for bed. Happy sleeping (fingers crossed) xoxo

My beautiful babies